181213-181218: Xmas week 1. The weekend.

Friday, the breakdown.

Starting to scroll lists. Am I losing control. Or just tired. Just smoked a joint so probably a combination of both.


… shortly before…

It was a long day at work. Zero sleep the night before. And indeed, limited quantities the days before that. Difficult week in what we call the conclusion of Xmas week day 5.

Carl and Marco waiting for final approval on Xmas edition. Around 8 p.m. End of long week.
Beer was needed

Saturday, the party

Top shelf.
Ness makes wings.
Ness texts Matt.
I make faces.
And post in group chat.
Theo is a cowboy. Photo by ness. Posted in group chat.
Theo is Santa, or maybe just has a beard. Ness photo. Again in group chat. Matt is the invisible third member.

Visiting Ness. So much has happened. It’s a new frame of mind. We’re both in transition. Exploring new avenues to life. But sometimes we have a hard time loving our past mistakes. We can’t draw them in. Feel them, and forget. Instead it is the memories best avoided. The unwelcome reminder of the past.

We must love who we are. Both our greatness and our shame. Each are equal. They make me me, and you you. There is wonder and joy in the discovery that we are flawed creatures; but both willing and able to achieve great things. There is mastery in the discovery that I am both good and bad, wonderfully flawed, and perfectly caring. I do care deeply, about others, and myself. This is my vanity. What did you expect. I’m posting online.

Revisted a few days later. I left off a few details.

To return upon. Jack was there for a good bit too. As officially moved out he spends a lot of time there. Most of the evening was him there. Had a chance to talk with him. In a way replaying our past. A mini Radiohead night except with the tone of goodbye. I liked Jack. But it’s my sister first.

It was an end to a past closeness, a compatibility of thinking that for a time was an important part of my life. I liked Jack and I thought my sister was happy. In the end it was a lie. There was a finality in the tone of that night.

My sister hid in her phone to try an avoid Jack. Not always. We talked, of coarse. But with Jack there it was impossible to truly relax. This man who took so much from sister. Who made her so sad and desperate for escape. Who pushed her so far outside herself she struggles to find her way back. She finally stands and pushes back. She ends it. Wants him to leave. It tool 8 months for him to finally leave. Tortuously long for my sister.

He played mental mind games. Made her question her sanity. Forced her to the point of seeing a therapist. Within the first session the therapist saw what we couldn’t as it built up over the years. My sister was physiologically abused by this man. She was at a fragile point in her psyche. She would need extensive therapy to recover. Her session were immediately expanded from the required three to the maximum allowable under Jacks insurance. My poor sister.

To this day he still tries to control her. These prolonged visits. Under the guise to meet his children but really just to watch her. How horrid for her she has to play nice. To hide her shame and shield her children from his selfish and controlling ways. She but barely begins to rebuild, but he comes back to knock it down. He’s the tide that destroys the sand castle. Ever returning and relentless in it’s pursuit. Slowly but surely washing away what was there.

I once called this man my friend.

Sunday, Supersized me

Supersized my breakfast. Supersized my place within the house. Claimed office. Reoriented dinning room into shared work / craft space.

Breakfast in Ottawa, leaving ness
Gift from Dedes 3d printer. Fantastic
Great movie. Watched with Dede. Powerfully emotional. Cursed I forgot kleenek

It continues next Monday for round 2 of xmas editions week.

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